Sonic 3D Blast Review (Genesis)

(Originally written: Speculators estimate this review was written some time during the paleolithic period; just as cavemen were learning how to paint on walls and beat each-other to death with rocks they found in a cave while hiding from dinosaurs and shit...)

Shortly before the release of SEGA's 32x attachment to the Genesis, SEGA Enterprises released its first 3D (or 3D-looking) title in it's long-running SONIC series, as a sign of things for which to come. However, those that didst hearken unto it would be fabled by the uber suckage that the 32X would soon become.

STORY:
Believe it or not, Sonic 3D Blasts is a lot like the side scrolling titles of the series, (you save little furry animals, you collect rings, and so on…) with one exception: those were actually fun! What can I say? The Idea of making a top-down, slanted and view, and then rotating it 90 degrees clockwise, was one of those ideas that SOUNDS good on paper, but turn out to suck like the gravitational pull of the sun!

GAMEPLAY:
Gameplay in most of the previous sonic titles were usually fun. However, when the controls are this snotty, and reek of the inherit lack of 3D in this so-called 3D title, I can't really get used to it. The camera view is so damn small, that I can easily skip over an enemy, and get lost in this vast little land just looking for it! Sometimes when I finally get one of the enemies, the little bird that pops out of it keeps RUNNING AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Sonic was apparently meant to go FAST. After all, this is SONIC we're talking about! He doesn't know what SLOW DOWN means!! However, that sometimes becomes most of the problem!! The sad part is, “going fast” doesn't mean much anyway, when you're trapped in a tiny little world with a tiny little camera view, and sometimes running into anything before you even realize ANYTHNG is there! The best way through this game is to try and be as careful as you possibly can! However, that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll do a better job! In fact, you may do a lot worse! After all, this is SONIC we're talking about! He doesn't know what the **** careful means!!

When navigating is this tedious, it makes the boss fights are just f*** annoying. I can barely control my own damn self, let alone fight the boss sometimes! Go ahead! Find Egg Man! I dare you! Hmm… Apparently, Egg Man flies a hovercraft, and I'm supposed to run into his windshield to put him down, but, yet again, the lack of 3D perception in this “3D” game doesn't help much! Especially when my perception of how high sonic is jumping was mated out and trotted from its very beginning!

Oh yes, and who could forget the glorious Bonus Levels every time you run into Tails or Knuckle head. It's a THIRD PERSON BONUS LEVEL!! OMG!! Much like the 3rd person view in Sonic the Hedgehog 2, only way better looking. You jump around, you collect coins, you try not to fall off, and you avoid round spiky looking things. Believe it or not, it's not as hard as it sounds. Now, if only the rest of the game looked like this!!

GRAPHICS
One of the more obvious flaws of making a top-down 3D game is that it isn't actually 3D, therefore there is no sense of 3D perception! For example: when trying to jump on an enemy's head, one would have only the faintest idea if you are above that enemy, if you had already jumped over that enemy, and sometimes if you have just landed right in front of that enemy!

If we're talking about graphics, this game doesn't look half bad, It IS perhaps the best looking game in the history of SEGA Genesis.

As for the gaming aspect of its look, it wouldn't have killed them to make the view a little bigger. Sonic sometimes moves a little too fast, which causes me to run into sh** before I get a chance to stop, and it doesn't help that I can only see so-far in front of me.

CONTROLS:
The main flaw of the environment is that it doesn't work well with the controls. It's so bad that in order to go forward to the right, you literally have to press Up+Right. If you want to go straight back, be prepared to press down+left. Simply pressing up, down, left, or right will make you move in those directions. However, since level perception is slanted and discombobulated, it will cause you to move slanted and discombobulated. This becomes especially annoying when you have to charge a roll, and you have only the faintest idea of what direction your character is going to go when you do. (A little visual aid, say an arrow that points to where you are going wouldn't have hurt.)

VERDICT:
Don't get me wrong. Sonic is Awesome. Sonic and knuckles is awesome. Sonic and Tails is awesome. However, just like most genres' that are Awesome, usually get destroyed by the “bright” ideas of the developers who made them. If the Sonic series were Star Wars, this game would be the Phantom Menace. What can I say? This game just wasn't meant to be a top-down adventure title. These kinds of games were better left to Zelda or Final Fantasy. This just isn't Sonic's scene.

The Good: Best looking title on the Sega Genesis, 360 degree worlds...

The Bad: A 3D game with little to no 3D perception, awkward controls, very small top-down camera view...